Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series Quotes

YES!  It has its own section!

A/N: I am not responsible for the content of these videos.  I am not necessarily endorsing the content of these videos.  However, I am enjoying the hilarity that ensues when people make things like this.  I’ve obviously censored some of them.   Please note that “Bakura” refers to the guy inside the Millenium Ring, and “Ryou” refers to the nice guy.  Except when characters say “Bakura”, which can mean whichever one is present at that moment.  Also, characters saying “Kaiba” means they refer to Seto (the elder brother).  Get it?  Got it?  Good.

EPISODE 1
Joey: “That’s the least threatening name for a card I’ve ever heard!  What kind of moron would want a card like that?”
Seto: ”I’m here for your Blue Eyes, old man, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

Seto: “Shut up and duel me.”

Tea: “I’m a kleptomaniac.  I stole it from school.”

Seto: “Acutally, they’re just super-advanced holograms created for the sole purpose of enriching a children’s card game.”
Yami: “Okay, seriously, you’ve got to be freaking kidding me.” 

Yami: “Wait… did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?”
Seto: “Yeah, so?”
Yami: “That’s against the rules, isn’t it?!”
Seto: “Screw the rules!  I have money!”

Yami: “My grandpa’s deck has no pathetic cards, Kaiba!  Except maybe for Kuriboh.”

EPISODE 2
Ryou: “I say, Yugi, can I play too?”
Yugi: “Sorry, Bakura, main characters only.”

Tea: “It’s official.  You’re an idiot.”

Grandpa: “I hope it’s not one of those cursed videos that’s all the rage these days.”
Pegasus: “Seven days…”
Grandpa: “Oh, snap!  I knew it!”

Yami: “Hey, everybody, Pegasus is a big stinking cheater!”

Joey: “Hey, Yug!  Down in front, will ya?”
Tristan: “Yeah, we were watching that!”

EPISODE 3
Yugi: “It’s a shame rich megalomaniacs are immune from the law.  Otherwise, we could just call the police!”

Joey/Tristan: “Toooor-meent!”
Yugi: “Remind me why we’re friends again?”

Mai: “The name’s Mai Valentine.  It’s not a very subtle pun; but then again, nothing about me is very subtle.”

Tristan: “In another few hours the sun will rise.”
Tea: “What the heck is that supposed to mean?!” (A/N: He really says this in the dub.)

Yugi: “Well, you’re clearly evil, but I see no reason not to trust you.”

EPISODE 4
Joey: “This is just like Lord of the Flies, only with a lot less subtext and a lot more card games!” (A/N:  Subtext?)

Random kid: “Didn’t ya hear?  He got barred from the tournament because his name wasn’t stupid enough!”

Yami: “Tell it to the writing staff!”

Joey/Tristan: “Yay!  We were totally ineffectual!”

EPISODE 5
Yami: “Yugiohs!  They’re Yugilicious!  …wait a minute…”

Yugi a la Scrappy Doo: “Da-da-da!  Puberty power!”  (A/N: XD)

EPISODE 6
Yugi:  “Don’t lob a harpoon at me!”

Yugi: “Don’t worry, we’ll get your star-chips back!”
Kid: “You’ll bring them back to me?”
Yugi: “I never said that.”

Seto: “Just because he’s the main character, he thinks he can hog all the screen time.  I mean, just look at Bakura.”
Mokuba: “Who the heck is Bakura?”
Seto: “Precisely.”

Yami: “For the love of Isis, are we going to duel or are we just going to stand around having flashbacks?”

Yami: “Think – what would your brother say if he saw you now?”
Flashback Seto: “Well done, Mokuba.  Now steal something from Joey, too.”
Yami: “Okay, but what would he say if he wasn’t a complete doushbag?”

Goon: “Don’t move a muscle, or we’ll shoot you with our invisible guns!”

Tristan: “Oh no!  He has even less personality than before!”

EPISODE 7
Yami: “Okay, time-out.  Does anyone here actually believe for one second that Kaiba is a ghost?
Tristan: “I do!”
Yami: “Anyone besides Tristan?”
Tristan: “… I do!”

Seto: “Into the Kaiba-cave!” *cue Batman theme* 

Seto: “Ack!  The blue screen of death!  My mortal enemy.”

Seto: “This time, Yugi, you don’t stand a ghost of a -”
Yami: “Okay, how many times are you going to overuse that joke?”

EPISODE 8
Tristan: “Must… wash… away… the sin…”

Tristan: “Hey Joey, I’ve returned to give you my support!”
Joey: “Hey Tristan, I don’t care!”

Joey: “Let’s all compare ourselves to our cards to set up a plot point for the next episode!”

Bakura: “By the way, there’s something I’d like you all to know: You’re a bunch of idiots!”

Bakura: “What in Zorc’s name is going on?!”

EPISODE 9
Bakura: “All your Puzzle are belong to us.”

Bakura: “Oh no!  Growth hormones!”

Yami: “I play Reborn the Monster, to resurrect Tristan’s original voice!”
Tristan: “Hey, what gives?!  I liked my new voice!  People were starting to respect me!”
Yami: “Sorry, Tristan, but it’s much easier to make fun of you this way.”

Joey: “Wait a second – why are there two Yugis?”
Yugi: “I’m not sure.  But sometimes when I’m dueling, it’s like I can feel a powerful voice inside my head telling me how to win.”
Tristan: “Does that mean you’ve been cheating?!”
Yugi: “Well, it’s more complicated than that…”
Joey: “Sounds like cheatin’ to me, Yug.”
Yugi: “It’s not cheating!  It’s more like we have a spiritual connection that goes far beyond any -”
Joey: “Hey, Big Yugi!  Has Little Yugi been cheating this whole time?”
Yami: *nods*
Yugi: “Oh, you guys can all go straight to hell.”

Bakura: “Soon, I’ll be the only character left.  I’ve always wanted my own cartoon.  I think I’ll call it ‘Zorc and Pals’.”

Bakura: “How many times do I have to kill you people before you stay dead?!”  (A/N: Sounds like Boba Fett.)

Bakura: “How dare you defy me?!  Just wait until Zorc hears about this!”

EPISODE 10
Mai: “I lost another duel.”
Yugi: “You were screaming because of that?  What are you, five years old?”

Joey: “We were trying to sleep!  This is why I hate blonde people!”
Ryou: “Calm down, Joey, you bloody Yank!”

Joey: “This is a really stupid episode.  It reminds me of our spinoff show, Yu-Gi-Oh DMX.” (A/N: Yes, this is what he said.)

EPISODE 11
Teacher: “Kids, this is our new student Bakura.  Not only is he new here, he’s also British, so feel free to bully him like crazy!”

Joey: “I sunk your battleship!”
Yugi: “Joey, you redefine what it means to be a moron.”

Seto: “This looks like the perfect opportunity to stroke my ego.  Behold, the Briefcase of Death!”

Joey: “I was born ready.  Go, armored lizard!”
Yugi: “I think Beyblade’s gonna sue somebody!”

Seto: “Who would have thought that a child could win a child’s card game?”

Tristan: “I didn’t even get to tell him what I want for Christmas!”

EPISODE 12
Tristan: “Yugi’s got a girlfriend!”
Yugi: “That’s it.  Tristan is so getting a Mind Crush.”

Bandit Keith: “I don’t understand a word you just said.  Try speaking American; it’s the only language I understand.”

Joey: “Aaah!  It’s a Goth!”

Yugi: “I wonder what’s taking Joey.  If he’s gone much longer, we’ll have to give his screen time to Bakura.”

Yugi: “Let’s all wander blindly into that cave over there.”

Ryou: “Help!  This supermodel’s one of my fangirls!”
Yugi/Tristan/Tea: “Not a fangirl!”
Ryou: “Come back here and help me, you jerks!”

Ryou: “Oh, snap.”
Yugi: “Is everyone from England a total spazz, Bakura?”
Ryou: “Pretty much.”

Ryou: “Oh, bollux!”
Yugi: “It got Bakura!”
Tea: “Good!”

Yugi: “Wait a minute.  Have you been playing a card game this whole time?  We were worried sick about you!”
Joey: “Hey, I’m trying to regain my self-esteem here!”
Yugi: “Joey, you hang out with us.  You don’t have any self-esteem.” (A/N: Hmm, this sounds like my group of friends…)

EPISODE 13
Joey: “Oh my god, this is unbelievable!  Bakura actually did something useful!”

Seto: “That’s odd.  My Kaiba senses are tingling.”

Goon: “Attention duelists!  My hair is being assaulted!”

Yami: “We have to duel these guys as a team, Joey!  That means you do everything I say.  Got that?”
Joey: “Ahhhhh… okay.”

Yami: “Leave it to Beaver Warrior!”

Seto: “Listen, if you say one more thing about your hair, I’m gonna shave it off.”

Joey: “Our phasers are at the ready, captain!”

Seto: “Pegasus.  I’m going to make you pay for stealing my cards.”
Mokuba: “And for kidnapping me, right, big brother?”
Seto: “Shut up, Mokuba.  Mommy and Daddy are talking.”

EPISODE 14
Joey: “Ah, fresh air.  I love the smell of card games in the morning.”

Yugi: “Hey Tea.  Remember the time we became friends?”
Tea: “No, but I remember the 4Kids version.”

Tea: “I was unconscious for this next part, but fortunately I can still remember it.”

Joey: “Don’t worry, Yugi!  We’ll be supporting you all the way!”
Tristan: “Ten bucks on Kaiba!”
Tea: “Fifty bucks on Kaiba!”
Ryou: “One hundred quid on Kaiba!”

Seto: “Without Exodia, you don’t stand a chance against my three Blue Eyes White Dragons.”
Yami: “Well, at least I’m not adopted!”
Seto: “…What did you just say?”  (A/N: Yami is mean in this series!)

Yami: “Hey everyone!  Look at me!  I’m Seto Kaiba!  I have a dragon fetish and I sound like Brock from Pokemon!  Screw the rules, I’m in love with Nurse Joy!”

Yami: “For the love of Ra, just play the stupid card already!”

Yami: “Don’t you think you’re overreacting a little?  It’s just a card game.”
Seto: “Card games are serious business.”

Yugi: “I lost a card game!  I no longer have a reason to live!”
Ryou: “In that case, can I be the main character?”
Yugi: “Heck no!”
Ryou: “Bugger.”

EPISODE 15
Tea: “I’m tired of you flirting with my future husband!  It’s time we settled this like real women!”
Tristan: “Woo-hoo!  Catfight!”

Tea: “It’s symbolic of the relationship between me and my friends!  That’s why it’s so small and fragile-looking.”

Tea: “Nothing can destroy friendship!  It’s the strongest force in the universe!  It’s even stronger than Chuck Norris!”
Joey: “Blasphemy!”

Mai: “Pegasus’ castle.  You will never find a more retched hive of scum and villainy.  We must be cautious.”

Ryou: “Look, Kaiba’s dueling Pegasus!”
Joey: “But they’re both villains.  Who’re we supposed to root for?”

Pegasus: “Toon World allows me to turn your monsters into cheap imitations – kind of like what 4Kids did to this show.”  (A/N: Ain’t that the truth.)

Ryou: “That’s no toon - it’s a space station!  …No, you’re right, it is a toon.”

Tristan: “What’s with all the Star Trek references?”  (A/N: Referencing the wrong show: priceless.)

Yugi: “Hey Kaiba!  Threaten to kill yourself – that usually works!  Only this time really do it!”

FROM EPISODE 16
Grandpa: “Yuuuuugi!  Yuuuuugi!  Oh, just wake up already!”
Yugi: “Who is this?”
Grandpa: “Who else do you know that talks like this?”
Yugi: “Well whoever this is, could you keep it down?  I’m trying to sleep.”

Grandpa: “You don’t care about me!  You put me in an old folks’ home!” (A/N: In Japan, this is borderline sacreligious.)
Yugi: “What?!  No I didn’t!”
Grandpa: “What?”
Yugi: “Grandpa, Pegasus kidnapped you and put your soul in a card.”
Grandpa: “What?”
Yugi: “…Grandpa, is your hearing aid switched on?”
Grandpa: “Hold on a minute, I don’t think my hearing aid’s switched on.”

Pegasus: “What’s this?  I’m sensing a main character inside Bakura’s Millenium Ring!”
Bakura: “That’s right, Pegasus.  And now I’m going to use my evil powers to pretend this episode never happened.  That’s just how evil I am!”

EPISODE 17
Joey: “Neee?  What’s that?  I can’t hear you, I’m too busy being American!”

Narrator: “Your own dueling deck – ten dollars.  Your own brand-spanking-new Duel Disk set – thirty dollars.  Bribing the school bully so he won’t beat you up for playing card games – fifty dollars.  Using Swords of Revealing Light to keep your opponent from attacking and leaving him wide open for a frontal attack: priceless.  There are some things money can’t buy.   For everything else, there’s KaibaCorp.”

EPISODE 18
Yami: “Did it ever occur to you to just ask me for it?  I mean, look at all the time and money you’ve wasted on this facade.  People have died so you could have a necklace.  I killed a gay clown, for Ra’s sake!”
Pegasus: “Look, are you going to play a children’s card game with me or not?”

Tea:  “Hey you guys!  Something important is happening!”
Yami: “Blah blah card games blah.”
Pegasus: “Blah blah attack mode blah.”
Yami: “Blah blah blah blah blah.”
Pegasus: “Blaaaaaaaah.”
Tea: “Whoops, I was wrong.”

Bakura: “Lay one finger on the boy and you mortals will rue the day you were ever born!”
Tristan: “Bakura, don’t be a hero!  They have invisible guns!”
Goon: “That’s right, and we’re not afraid to use them!”

Yami: “Couldn’t I just Mind Crush him?”
Yugi: “You can’t fix all your problems by Mind-Crushing people.”
Yami: “Oh, come on.  Just one little Mind Crush, it’ll barely hurt him.”
Yugi: “No!  Bad pharaoh!  No Mind Crush!”
Yami: “You never let me have my way, do you?!”

Pegasus: “And now I’m going to take this game to the Shadow Realm!”
Yami: “This wouldn’t have happened if you had just let me Mind Crush him!”
Yugi: “Listen, mister, do you need a time-out?”

Bakura: “Well… I suppose my parents didn’t love me enough.  They were always dressing me like a girl.  They were going to name me Florence!”

Yugi: “Spirit, you’ll have to take over!  I’m too weak!”
Yami: “Oh, come on, you can take him.”
Yugi: “No, really, I think I’m dying here!”
Yami: “Don’t be such a drama queen!”
Yugi: “Spirit!  Tell… Tea… I love her…” *faints*
Yami:  “No, Yugi!  You can’t be dead!  If you were dead 4Kids would have censored it!”

Joey: “I felt a great disturbance, as though Yugi cried out in terror, and was suddenly silenced!”

Pegasus: “This is inconceivable!  Not to mention really cheesy.”

Yami: “And now I summon Littlekuriboh Imposters!”
Pegasus: “No!  There’s so many of them!  I can’t tell which one is the original!”
Yami: “And that means you’ll never be able to watch The Abridged Series ever again!”

Bakura: “By the way, if you’re wondering how I managed to get my Ring back, then I’m just as confused as you are.  Watch out, Pegasus; Florence is back!”

EPISODE 19
Bakura: “Cards?  Where we’re dueling, we won’t need cards.  We’re going to duel with ancient Egyptian laser beams!” (A/N: If you think he’s joking, go watch the original episode.)

Shadi: “If you come with me, I will show you why I hang donuts from my ears!”

Tea: “Man, I’ve read fanfics that made more sense than this crap!”

Tristan: “Would you stop saying ’super-special-awesome’?  It stopped being funny fifteen episodes ago!”
Yugi: “Oh, you did not just say that!”

Yami: “If it’ll set your mind at ease, have a look around.  By the way, have you ever seen Labyrinth?”
Shadi: “No, why?”
Yami: “No reason.”

Yugi: “Are you trying to tell me this show actually has a plot?”

Shadi: “Oh no!  You have angered the Dark Magician!  Our only hope is for me to raise the Blue Eyes White Dragon!”
Yugi: “No, you mustn’t!”
Shadi: “Why not?”
Yugi: “That’s Kaiba’s monster!  I’m not gonna let myself get saved by that!”

Yugi: “Dark Magician!  You are not a gun!  You are who you choose to be!  Now choose!”

Shadi: “I apologize for screwing with your mind.  You are the Chosen One.  I must return to Egypt, even though I have not found the one who stole my Millenium Item.  Remember – the fate of the world rests on your tiny little shoulders.”

Mokuba: “Seto!  It’s you!  And you’re smiling!” (A/N: ZOMG!)

Yugi: “Whenever Kaiba smiles, a puppy dies.” (A/N: Or all hell breaks loose.  Whichever comes first.)

Yami: “Well done, Yugi.  We saved the world.  And not only that, we managed to rub it in Kaiba’s face.”
Yugi: “Yeah, okay, who the heck are you?”

EPISODE 20
Yugi: “Grandpa, you don’t blame me for everything that happened, do you?”
Grandpa: “Yes.”

Joey: “That’s impossible!  Only adults are allowed to play children’s card games!”

Grandpa: “Arthur!  Is that really you?”
Arthur: “Yes!  I decided to show up at the last minute to tie up all the loose ends.”

Arthur: “Allow me to make things even more confusing for you.”

Arthur: “You see, Rebecca, with great cards comes great responsibility.”

Rebecca: “Does this make me the King of Card Games?”
Yugi: “Heck no!”

EPISODE 21
Mokuba: “Wait, Seto, it’s clearly a trap!  Why are you being so gullible and out of character?”

Tea: “Yugi, I have something to tell you.”
Yugi: “I know.  You’re in love with me, right?”
Tea: “Actually, I’m in love with your alter-ego.”
Yugi: “Oh.  …Well, this is kind of awkward.”

Joey: “I activate the Ocarina of Time!”

Yami: “Let’s get out of here; that fairy’s starting to piss me off!”

Yugi: “Hello, Jezebel – I mean, Tea.”

EPISODE 22
Tristan: “Burn the witch!” (A/N: He says this like eight times.)

Tea: “It’s true what they say – fangirls ruin everything.”

Yami: “So it’s just like Duel Monsters.”
Duke: “Hey, stop it!  My game is nothing like Duel Monsters!”
Yami: “Prove it then!”
Duke: “…My game uses dice.”

Tristan: “This is going straight up my nose!” (A/N: Hmm, who else does this sound like?)

EPISODE 23
Bandit Keith: “I predict that you are a gullible idiot!”

Ryou: “I’m trying to sound less British so people won’t make fun of me as much.”
Tea: ”Well, stop it!  You sound like you’re from the 1970’s!”

Yugi: ”Oh my gosh, it’s Bandit Keith!  I had no idea!  Super-special-awesome plot twist!”

Marik: “With my Millenium Rod, I can take control of whoever I want!”
Yugi: “And you chose Bandit Keith?  Why the heck would you choose Bandit Keith?!  He sucks!”

Tea: “Why didn’t we just tell him the truth?”
Tristan: “Because lying is fun!”

Bandit Keith: “All right, I admit it, I’m not really American!  I’m Canadian!  Is that what you wanted to hear?!”

EPISODE 24
Ishezu: “My Millenium Necklace gives me the power to see into the future.  And also to break the fourth wall.”

Yugi: “Let’s face it – I’m about as important to the series as Bakura!”
Yami: “Don’t say that!  Don’t even think it!”

Seto: “Are you trying to tell me that Yugi and I are destined to play card games for eternity?”
Ishezu: “Yes.”
Seto: “Best. Destiny. Ever.”

Seto: “That guy looks just like me!  And he has a Blue Eyes – just like me!  And he’s a jerk – just like me!  I must be looking into the distant past.” 

Ishezu: “Unfortunately, we will never know who won that fateful duel, because the name is hidden by ancient Egyptian spoiler tags.”

Yugi: “It’s not fair!  You have everything and I have nothing!”
Yami: “That’s not true, Yugi.  You always have card games.”

EPISODE 25
Yugi: “I have a hypothetical question for you, Tea.  Would you ever… consider going on a date with me?  Just as a friend.”
Tea: “Not in a million years.  Why?”

EPISODE 26
Yami: “Okay, now you’re just screwing with me, aren’t you.”

Yami: “Well rock me Amadeus!  That’s the first real plot twist this show’s ever had!”

MARIK’S EVIL COUNCIL OF DOOM (Bonus episode)
Bakura: “Wait a minute. Is this it?  These are all the villains from Yu-Gi-Oh?”
Marik: “What are you blathering about?”
Bakura: “Come on, this can’t be it.  There’s got to be more.  I mean, what about Kaiba?”
Marik: “We don’t need Kaiba.  He would just slow us down with all his money and resources.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.”
Bakura: “He turned you down, didn’t he.”
Marik: “Look, just shut the heck up.”

Marik: “No!  We’re not going to kill Yugi Motou, that would be too obvious!”
Bakura: “Too fun is more like it.”

Marik: “Then tell us, Fluffy, what shall we do?”
Bakura: “I told you not to call me Fluffy in public!”
Marik: “Well, you’re asking for it!  I mean, look at you!  You look like a human Furby, for crap’s sake!”

FROM CRAPSULE MONSTERS (Bonus episode)
Yugi: “Let go of my partner!  Who are you?!”
Monster: “We are 4Kids!”

Yugi: “Geez!  For a second there I thought I was stuck in a crappy spinoff show.”